Kaiba and Yami: I Actually Hate You, You Know That?
by Neko Neko Rachie
Summary: Abridged- After Yugi's soul is taken by some masked guy with a worse fashion sense than Kaiba, said teenage CEO and Yami somehow get themselves mixed up in a war between good and evil, and worst of all, they don't have pizza at Hogwarts. Kaiba/Yami Friendship, (Eventual) Puzzleshipping.
1. Chapter 1

**Chapter One**

**A/N: I noticed a distinct lack of YGOTAS on this archive, and thought it would be hilarious, so no need to thank me.**

/Yugi, this website is dumb./

"YOUR FACE IS DUMB!"

/You have no right to say that as I am much sexier than you./

"I'm only on here to laugh at feminists."

/I have no idea what that means, but I'm interested./

The spirit of the Pharaoh leaned onto Yugi's lap, his elbow on the other side of his legs, head in his hand. His transparent finger dragged across the mouse pad, his eyes scanning the posts.

Yugi stat there, completely used to this. The Pharaoh liked to lay all over him, and Yugi was starting to suspect that the spirit had feelings for him, but managed to keep the thought away from the Pharaoh's tendency to sniff around his thoughts.

/These women are stupid./ He said, /Why cut off someone's dick because it's "equality"?/

"Because people are idiots."

"YUGI!"

Tea burst through Yugi's door like a monkey on cocaine.

"HOLY TAPDANCING RA!" Yugi shouted, "Ever heard of knocking?"

The Pharaoh looked up, uninterested.

"Oh, look." He said, turning his attention back to the screen, "A skank."

"Hey!" Tea shouted, somehow able to see and hear the spirit, then frowned.

She looked back and forth between Yugi and the Pharaoh, noting how close they were, the fact that Yami casually leaned very close to his crotch, and the fact that Yugi only seemed mildly annoyed.

She smiled slyly.

"I'm sorry." She said, "I must have interrupted something. But I just came to tell you that that trip to England for school for absolutely no reason is tomorrow."

Yugi waved a hand dismissively.

"Payed for it, form in."

/Wait, why wasn't I informed of this even though we share a body and I'd hear it anyways?/ The Pharaoh demanded.

"Because I don't have to tell you everything."

The Pharaoh raised one eyebrow.

/Yugi, you're my partner. And as my partner, you tell me these things./

Yugi groaned and flopped back on the bed.

"Oh. My Ra, you know now, and you'd be coming by default, so I don't see why we're arguing about this."

The spirit shrugged, turning his attention back to Tea.

/But what did you mean 'interrupted something'?"/

"Oh, nothing. I'll be going now."

Once she was gone, the Pharaoh turned to Yugi in confusion.

/What the hell was that?/

Despite the fact that he knew, Yugi shrugged and said,

"Dunno."

/Yugi, I share a body and mind with you. I know you're lying./

"She probably thinks we're dating or something." He said, bringing his hand up to play with the dust particles in the air.

/Well why in the name of the gods would she think that?/

"Probably because you're sprawled across my crossed legs, the way we constantly hold hands, the fact that you're constantly touching my hands, and generally the way we talk to each other."

The Pharaoh frowned.

/Well.../ He straightened his face and sat up, leaning back against the wall, /Let her think what she wants. Its not true./

"Surprisingly, I figured that out for myself."

/Oh, shut up./

…

Kaiba wasn't even sure why he'd come on this stupid trip. He'd been to London countless times for business even though he literally did nothing for that company except step on little people and charity work for orphans, which was something he did because he wanted to, not for publicity like Gozaburo had done.

He shook his head, wondering why he was acting so canon, and turned his attention back to the group he'd been put with.

The Dweeb Patrol.

Fan-Tucking-Fastic.

"... And that's why I never have cherry pie with Yugi anymore!" Wheeler said. Kaiba didn't even want to know what that conversation was about.

"Hey," Moto said, "in my defense, I thought pineapple would be a brilliant addition."

"That was horrifying." Gardner said in her high, strangled voice.

"I like pudding!" Taylor said in his nasally voice.

"Shut up, Tristan!" They shouted together, as if it was routine.

"You gonna say anything, Kaiba?" Said boy's rival asked.

"If I wanted to waste my time, I would have stayed home with Mokuba."

"That's mean!" Taylor shouted.

"Shut up, Taylor."

"Aww..."

"Hey, do those guys in cloaks and masks seem suspicious to you guys?" Gardner asked.

"Shut up, Tea," Yugi said, "we're being typical American tourists."

"I thought we were Japanese."

"This is the English dub." Yugi said, "Japan doesn't exist. America rules all."

"... Yugi, I worry for your mental health sometimes."

"I'm perfectly sane, Tea." Yugi said, "I just know that there's a strange man in my head that tells me that you're a skank, so go fuck yourself, bitch."

"If anything," Wheeler said, completely ignoring Yugi's very troubling comment, "you should be worrying about Tristan's mental health."

"OH MY GOD A PEICE OF GRAVEL!" Taylor shouted.

_Oh god what have I done to deserve this?_ Kaiba mentally growled.

…

As darkness fell, the group realized they were lost.

"Why did they let a bunch of 15 year olds run around London by ourselves anyways?" Kaiba demanded.

"Wait, I thought we were 16." Yugi said.

"Plot convenience." Kaiba said, waving a hand dismissively.

/LINESPLITKKK/

Meanwhile, in the bushes, Lucius Malfoy crouched.

The Dark Lord's words were heard again in his head.

_Lucius, you are to get me the Pharaoh's soul. Also, get me a milkshake along the way. With a swirly straw, you fucking failure._

The fact that he was hearing this again, he should probably get checked out, but he saw the Pharaoh.

He was the one with the ridiculous hair, the one that Lucius had seen on that tablet after they'd killed that Ishizu woman.

That would probably have no negative repercussions.

"ANIMA FRAUDATOR!" He shouted, bursting from the bushes.

"NOT THIS SHIT AGA-" The boy shouted, before he dropped to one knee.

"I'm getting out of here, what about you guys?" The girl demanded.

"I'm up for it." Said the one with a Brooklyn accent.

"Bye Kaiba! Take care of him!"

"WAIT YOU'RE LEAVING ME WITH HIM!?"

"Yep!" The Brooklyn accented one shouted, "Have fun with that!"

"Douchebags!" The Pharaoh whispered.

"What?" Lucius whispered, "How are you still here?"

The Pharaoh stood.

"You didn't take my soul, you took my partner's!"

"Not even going to question this!" The tall one deemed "Kaiba" shouted, grabbing the Pharaoh's arm, "RUN!"

They took off, and it took Lucius a few seconds before he realized:

They were getting away.

…

"Okay," Kaiba snarled, "explain yourself, whoever the fuck you are!"

"We've explained this to you several times, Kaiba. I'm the Pha-"

"No." He said, "I was told that _Yugi_ was a Pharaoh. I was never told that you're a totally different person!"

"Oh, quit your bitching! We need to get away from him!"

"No, really?" Kaiba demanded, intending all sarcasm, "I thought we'd let him kill you!"

"Well, at least you're productive." The Pharaoh grumbled.

"GET BACK HERE!"

Kaiba rolled onto the road, dragging the Pharaoh with him. Several cabs and cars honked at him, to which he shouted, "Oh, like your meeting's more important than my life!", then kept going.

He found a car dealership, and climbed right in a Lamborghini.

"Kaiba, sometimes I question your sanity." Yami said, climbing in the other side.

"Hey, you two hooligans!" Shouted a voice, "What are you doing?"

"Well," Kaiba said, "obviously we're buying this."

"But ho-"

Kaiba pulled out his cheque book, quickly writing it out.

"This should cover it." He said, handing it to him.

"Buy yourself something pretty." The Pharaoh said, smirking and pointing at him flirtatiously.

They drove off rather dangerously.

"Well, there goes my-"

The cheque read:

_£500, 000_

"Huh. Maybe not."

…

"Wow." The Pharaoh said, "I'm surprised he didn't catch up with us."

"It's called plot convenience." Kaiba said.

"Now we've got ourselves a cool car. What are we going to do with it?"

"Drive it the hell out of here."

"Kaiba, you do realize you're only 15, right?"

"Pharaoh, you do realize I have a Master's Degree in Business and Technology, run a multimillion dollar gaming company, am the richest, coolest, nerdiest kid on the planet, and am Seto Kaiba, right?"

There was momentary silence.

"Fuck it, you win."

There was a shout, and the tire exploded. They swerved.

"WHAT THE HELL WAS THAT?" Kaiba shrieked.

"WELL, OBVIOUSLY THEY SHOT THE TIRE!" Yami shrieked back.

"THAT DIDN'T SOUND LIKE A GUNSHOT, ASSWIPE!"

"WELL, SOMEONE'S IMPROVED THEIR INSULT GAME!"

"GO FUCK YOURSELF!"

He pulled the wheel to the right so hard, they turned in a complete circle. He changed gears impossibly fast, like every action movie ever, and rode backwards.

"Reach into my bag!" Kaiba shouted.

"Listen, Kaiba. We're friends and all, but-"

"NOT LIKE THAT YOU GAY ASS MOTHERFUCKER! JUST GET WHAT'S IN THERE!"

"Okay, okay... Kaiba... How the _hell_ did you get this past security?" The Pharaoh demanded, holding up a handgun.

"Doesn't matter." He said, snatching it from him, "You drive."

He pulled the door open.  
>"WHAT?" Yami demanded, pulling himself into the driver's seat, "I'M A 3000 YEAR OLD PHARAOH, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DRIVE!"<p>

"GAS ON THE LEFT, BREAK ON THE RIGHT! JUST KEEP US GOING!"

"Uuuuuuuum..."

He pressed the left down all the way, and they zoomed through a red light.

"YOU COULD HAVE KILLED US!" Kaiba shouted.

"But I didn't!" Yami shouted back to him, figuring this out with his knowledge of Fast and the Furious.

He pulled the steering wheel into a hard left, and swerved until they faced the right way. He pulled the car into drive and kept going.

He could hear Kaiba shooting, but then climbed back down.

"I'm out of bullets." He said.

"Really?" Yami asked, "In a car chase? Seems incredibly unrealistic."

"YOUR FACE IS UNREALISTIC!"

"Yeah, okay. We need to get out. I have an idea."

"I drive, you do."

"No, I need to be standing still. We didn't have cars in Ancient Egypt you know."

"Well, no fucking shit."

Kaiba pulled into a parking spot, and the masked man got out politely.

"Giving yourself up, Pharaoh?" He demanded.

"Not quite."

A duel disk appeared on his wrist, and he slammed The Dark Magician down.

"Now!" He called dramatically, with equal drama, throwing his hand forward, "With lame Shadow Magic Fanfic Bullshittery, I can make my monster real with the power of the Shadows!"

Kaiba watched as dark, purpley-black tendrils swirled up the monster, sinking into it's skin until it became...

Well, real.

"Now! Dark Magician!" The Pharaoh called.

"Actually, it's Mahad." The Dark Magician replied.

"Yeah, don't care. Attack the man with worse fashion taste than Kaiba, and DESTROY HIM!"

"As you wish, Your Highness." The monster said, sounding exasperated with him already.

He pulled back his staff and thrust it forward, the attack flying off.

The attacker shrieked as he collapsed, hopefully dead.

The Pharaoh turned to Kaiba.

His face glistened with sweat, and he was breathing heavily.

He grinned.

"Brilliant." He gasped, before he fell over, unconscious.

…

"Why am I constantly carrying unconscious men?" Kaiba grumbled to himself.

"Maybe it's a sign?" The Dark Magician suggested.

"WHY ARE YOU STILL HERE?" Kaiba shouted.

"Well, you're still hotheaded as ever."

"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Kaiba snarled.

"Nevermind." The monster said, "I cannot leave until the one who summons me sends me back."

"Back to where?" Kaiba scoffed.

"Seto, did you even _watch_ Season 5?"

"No. Why?"

"It explains it all. But in short, I cannot return to the stone in which I am imprisoned until I am sent back. So you're stuck with me until he wakes up."

Kaiba grumbled to himself.

"Think of it this way: at least he's not talking."

"True." Kaiba looked at The Dark Magician, "Wait, if you're from his past, then are you even allowed to be here without getting, like, smited or something?"

"I am eternally in service to the Pharaoh. I took a oath, and now as a Monster, I help him whenever he is in need. Which is quite awful considering that-"

"He's a douche?" Kaiba suggested.

"Yes." The monster said, nodding.

Kaiba stopped, and looked up at the sign.

_The Leaky Cauldron._

"Well this doesn't seem shady at all." Kaiba muttered.

"There's a strong magical presence in there." The monster said, "And it is kind. Perhaps they can help us."

"Maybe..." Kaiba muttered.

…

Inside the pub was dark and shabby, dusty, but it had kind of a homy feeling to it.

Several ladies turned to look at them.

Yami groaned on his shoulder.

"Yugi..." He muttered.

"We'll get 'im back." Kaiba said, "Don't worry."

He wondered why Yami even cared. He never seemed to care about anyone else, why was Yugi an acceptation?

The more Kaiba thought about all the times he'd seen the young Pharaoh speak to his friends, he realized some very sociopath-like behaviour.

Such as the fact that he cared very little about them, but constantly complimented himself. The way he was arrogant, yet charming, and the way he drew everyone in with his words. The fact that he'd had no remorse over almost killing that British kid was another reason.

But... If he was a sociopath, then he wouldn't care about getting Yugi back.

And it seemed he did...

Kaiba's thoughts were cut off when an old, balding man came towards them.

"Is he okay?" He asked.

"He should be okay, I think." Kaiba said, "This guy in a mask was trying to kill us. Took ou- _his_ friend."

The man looked alarmed.

"What did the mask look like?"

"It was a skull." The Dark Magician said, "He was some sort of magician, was he not?"

The balding man stared at the monster for a second before he said,

"Magician is a very old term, but yes, he was a wizard. A Death Eater. A servant of He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named..."

There was silence in the room.

"I take it this guy's dangerous?" Kaiba asked.

"The most dangerous Dark Wizard of all time."

"Just our luck." Kaiba grumbled.

"I can give you a room tonight, if you wish. Keep you safe."

Kaiba opened his mouth to speak, but The Dark Magician said,

"That would be wonderful, and quite kind. So yes, we do wish so."

"Alright." The man said, "I'm Tom, by the way."

"Kaiba. Seto Kaiba."

…

**Wow this is the longest chapter I've written in a while.**

**Tell me what you think (I know they were very canon at times but pls no h8 m8)**

**K thanks love y'all BAI**


	2. Chapter 2

**Chapter Two**

In his dream, Yami stood in a hallway.

It was dark, and smelled like rotten wood.

_I pass out and all I get is a hallway?_ He thought, _This is the highest level of bullshittery._

The former Pharaoh walked down it, eventually hearing voices.

"I SAID THE PHARAOH'S SOUL, NOT SOME KID'S!" Shouted a raspy, snake-like voice, "AND WHERE THE HELL IS MY MILKSHAKE, LUCIUS! _WIZARD GOD_, YOU ARE SUCH A FAILIURE!"

"I-I-I-I-I'm sorry, My Lord..." Came the shaky, terrified voice of the cloaked man whom Yami had attacked. Apparently he'd lived, "It won't happen again..."

"Good." The snake-like voice said, "NOW GET ME MY DAMN MILKSHAKE!"

"Y-yes, M'lord..."

The cloaked man, Lucius, scurried by, not noticing Yami.

The latter frowned.

_People never ignore me. My sexiness is too much to do so._

The spirit looked in through the doorway Lucius had scurried out of, seeing a man throwing things around like a small child.

"Fucking Lucius." He growled, "If he doesn't get me it next time, I'll wag my finger at him and issue a stern warning. That'll show 'im."

His red, snake-like eyes turned to Yami, and he froze.

But the man yelped, jumping up on a chair.

"SPIDER!" He shouted, raising his wand, "AVADA KEDAVERA!"

A green blur shot towards Yami, and he ducked. The next thing he knew, a spider was falling on him, and he shrieked.

"Yami." Came Kaiba's voice, "WAKE-UP DUMBASS!"

Yami's eyes shot open, seeing Kaiba glaring down at him.

"What?" The Pharaoh demanded, uninterested.

"It's, like, noon. How long do you need to be passed out for?"

Yami shrugged.

"I dunno. Why do you need to wear such over-extravagant clothing like AN ASSHOLE!"

"We-"

Kaiba stopped, frowning.

"I win." Yami said proudly, swinging his legs off the bed and standing up.

"Good morning, My Pharaoh." Said the Dark Magician.

"Oh, you're still here." Yami said, "Lovely."

The monster looked unimpressed.

"Could you please send me back?" It asked.

"Back where?" The Pharaoh asked, looking in the mirror to fix his hair.

"To the stone tablet I was imprisoned in." The monster said, sounding annoyed.

"Can't say I recall that."

"Bu- Then how did you summon me?"

"Trading cards." Yami said. "That's how you fix all of life's problems."

"So... You don't know how to send me back?"

"Nope." Yami said, "Which sucks, because you get increasingly more annoying as the days go by."

"Honestly, what is with the hair?" The mirror demanded.

Yami shrieked, leaping into Kaiba's arms.

"DEMON MIRROR!" He shouted.

"Get off." Kaiba said dangerously, "Or I will hurt you."

"But de-"

Kaiba dropped him.

The Pharaoh hit the ground with very little dignity.

"Ow." He whined, standing up and rubbing his butt, "Asshole." He snapped, glaring at Kaiba.

"I told you to get off or I'd hurt you."

"I hate you."

"I hate you too."

"SQUACK SQUACK MOTHAFUCKAS!"

Two owls flew straight through the window, and Kaiba- and read this well now- _screamed_.

He leaped right onto a chair in the corner, huddling into it.

Yami walked right up to them, where they sat on the bed.

"They're just owls." Yami said, "They're kinda cute."

"They're birds." Kaiba said quickly, "They're birds, and I don't like them."

"Get a hold of your dignity!" Yami said dramatically.

"Oh, like you have any left after I dropped you!"

"OH LIKE YOU HAVE ANY LEFT AFTER YOU WERE BORN!"

"Normally, I'd smack you for that." Kaiba said, "But you are really close to those things."

"They have letters..." Yami examined, taking them off of each of their legs. The birds flew off after.

Kaiba cautiously got off of the chair and took his letter.

It read,

_Dear Mr. S. Kaiba,_

_We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, into 5th year. Professor Dumbledore has deemed it necessary that you and your associate Yami come for safety from the Death Eaters despite how many times people have broken in here. A representative from the Order of the Phoenix will show up in approximately half a chapter to help you._

_Your book list is attached, along with all other necessities._

_Sincerely,_

_Deputy Head Mistress, Minerva McGonagall._

"How very convenient." Yami said.

"Agreed." Kaiba said, "We don't really have a choice though."

"I believe a magic school would be a great idea for you, Your Highness." The Dark Magician said, "Perhaps you'd learn some discipline."

"Shut up, talking card." Yami snapped.

"I am not a card." The monster said, sounding miffed.

"Yeah, okay." Yami said, uninterested.

"Discipline would be a good thing for you, none-the-less."

"Why the hell do I need discipline?" Yami demanded, "Who do I have to listen to?"

"You'll have to listen to teachers once you get there."

"I never listened to Yugi's teachers. I gave one a Penalty Game."

"_Your Highness!_" The monster scolded, "That is awfu-"

"Yeah, okay. Whatever."

The Dark Magician looked like he wanted to kill him, to which Kaiba could agree to.

"Excuse me?" A tall, balding man stuck his head in, "A Tonks is here to see you two." He said, "Said Dumbledore sent her."

"Oh thank god." Kaiba said, "We can leave."

Yami walked over, the Dark Magician following him.

"Still mad at me?" Yami asked arrogantly.

"Yes." DM said, "Quite, actually."

"For the record, several thousand years of darkness and silence can drive anyone insane."

"I understand that." The monster said, "But a Penalty Game? That's quite extreme, don't you believe?"

"Maybe." Yami said, shrugging, "I don't really remember what I did to her, though. I remember burning a guy to death."

DM's eyes widened.

"That is awful!"

"You're awful." Yami grumbled.

The balding man led them down to a pub, where there were several weird-looking people.

"I have a question." Kaiba said, "Why is it August if we came here on a school field trip?"

"Shut up, Kaiba." Yami said, "I can't hear you over the plot-hole."

**A/N: I noticed the plot hole after I uploaded the other chapter, so, naturally, I made a joke about it.**

**LOVE ME**

Kaiba shrugged, not bothering to worry about it.

"Well, you do have weird hair!" Said a pink-haired woman, coming right towards them, "Dumbledore told me to just look for the one with the weird hair." She grinned, "Wait a sec."

She pressed her lips together, and her hair morphed into Yami's.

"Sick..." Yami whispered.

"How the hell did you do that?" Kaiba demanded.

"I'm a metamorphagus." She said, shrugging, "I can change my appearance at will."

"That is awesome." Kaiba said.

"Yeah." She said, grinning, "Tonks, by the way."

"Yami."

"Kaiba."

"It seems we're all one-name people." She said.

"You would be too if your mother named you Seto." Kaiba grumbled.

"My mother named me 'Nymphadora'." She rolled her eyes, "Who names their kid Nymphadora?"

"I don't know my real name!" Yami said loudly, causing the other two to look over, "That's why they call me Yami. Because we don't know my name."

"Oh?" Tonks said, "You don't know your name? Why?"

He shrugged.

"Dunno."

"Do you remember anything about yourself?"

"No. Why?"

She looked scared.

"Did someone Oblivate you?" She asked.

"I have no idea what that means. And I'm pretty sure I took my own memories. Or so I'm told."

She looked confused now.

"But, wh-"

"Look." Kaiba said, "I don't think it's a good idea to question him, or anyone, about him. Never works out. Can we go buy our things now?"

"Oh." Tonks said, "Right. Let's go."

…

"So we neeeeeeeeeed..." Yami dragged his finger down the list, "Plain black robes, potions ingredients-"

"Ooh!" The Dark Magician said, "I like potions."

"Will you _shut up_?" Yami demanded.

"N- I mean.. Yes, of course."

"Good. As I was saying, books- boring-, an owl, cat, or a toad. And a wand."

"No owls." Kaiba said quickly.

"Pussy." Yami laughed.

"I hate you."

"I hate you to, babe."

"What?" Kaiba demanded.

"Jokes."

"Yeah, 'cause you're in love with Yugi."

Yami's face lit up.

"Wh- what? I AM NOT!"

"Yeah, okay." Kaiba said, "I believe that about as much as I believe that Marik and Bakura aren't in a relationship."

"THAT'S NOT FAIR!" Yami shouted, "THEY'RE OBVIOUSLY GAY FOR EACH OTHER! I DON'T LIKE YUGI LIKE THAT!"

"Yeah, alright."

"I hate you."

"I hate you, too."

Tonks stood there awkwardly.

"Am I missing something?" She asked.

"Pretty much." Kaiba said.

"Let's get your robes first." Tonks said, "You have money?"

"Uuuh..." Kaiba pulled out his wallet, "I have about 300 dollars in here..."

"We're gonna have to transfer that."

"Wait what?"

"Wizard currency." Tonks said, "I'm not going to give you the math, because no one ever bothers to figure it out."

Kaiba shrugged, and they headed down the cobblestone street.

Kaiba had to admit, it was brilliant.

The chaos was exciting, much less boring than Domino, and all the different clothes all over the place made it a flurry of different colours and it was beautiful.

A snowy white building broke into view.

"Woah." Kaiba said, looking over the heads of people.

Yami was jumping up and down, being 6 inches shorter than Kaiba.

"What- are- you- looking- at?" He asked, a word coming out with each jump.

"Short ass motherfucker." Kaiba laughed.

"Well, someone got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Yami snarled.

"I slept in a chair, thank you very much, because someone was a dumbass and exerted himself way to far."

The Dark Magician flew up and sat on the edge of a roof above a shop with a broom in the window.

"What the hell are you doing?" Yami demanded.

"Goblins run those banks." DM said, "Goblins and Shadow Magic don't get along."

"Why?" Kaiba asked.

"It's a long story that involves the invention of pizza, a Roman emperor, and stairs."

"Come to think of it, I don't want to know." Kaiba said, "Let's go in."

…

Inside the bank was beautiful.

A crystal chandelier hung from the ceiling, and small, long-fingered creatures sat behind the counters.

Tonks led them straight to a counter that read, "Transfers".

The goblin leered down at them.

Kaiba walked straight to the front.

"From what currency?"

"American dollars." Kaiba said.

"Place it on the scales." The goblin sneered.

Kaiba did as he was told, placing the bills on the scale.

"Reminds me of the Scales of Truth..." Yami said quietly.

"The what?" Tonks asked.

"The scales that weigh your soul when you reach the afterlife..."

He said it almost wistfully.

Kaiba then remembered that he'd been dead for 3000 years. You'd want to move on a long time before that.

"Whatever." Kaiba said, not daring to show emotions. Being the anti-hero, it was his job.

The bills dissolved upwards, and 29 gold coins, and bronze and silver coins, 13 of each.

"Huh." Kaiba said.

The goblin placed Kaiba's money into a pouch and handed it to him.

"Have a nice day." It said.

"Thanks...?"

They left, Yami having no money on him.

"You'd think Yugi'd bring some money, but no." He said, shrugging.

The Dark Magician flew down to join them.

"Children were throwing stones at me." He said, straightening his hat, looking very annoyed as he did so.

"Children are irritating." Yami said.

"Yes they are." Kaiba replied.

"Now for robes." Tonks said loudly, as to catch everyone's attention.

"Okay."

"Geez."

"No need to be so rude."

"Fucking bitch."

…

**Ayyy**

**I updated**

**Finally**

**Happy now?**

**JK I love you guys**

**Pls don't hate me**

**Just as a note, I used a converter on the HP Lexicon to figure out how much Kaiba would have**

**I suck at math**

**K thanks love ya'll BAI**


	3. Chapter 3

**Chapter Three**

Yami and Kaiba followed Tonks down the street, entering a shop named "Madame Malkin's Robes for All Occasions". The two boys looked at each other weirdly.

"Malkin?" Kaiba asked.

"Apparently. British names are weird. You know, like Bakura."

"I'm pretty sure that's not a British name." Tonks said as they stepped into the shop.

"It's not?" Yami demanded, "That little brat's been lying to us this whole time!" He crossed his arms, glaring around, "I'm mad now."

"Hogwarts?" Asked a short woman. Her hair was so white it could rival Bakura, wearing enough lavender Marik would die happy.

"Yes." Tonks said.

The woman, presumably Madame Malkin, looked at the two boys.

"I've never seen you two before, are you transfers?" She asked.

Yami opened his mouth to speak, but Kaiba put his hand over it and said,

"Yes. Yes we are."

She nodded.

"Black then."

She turned back and disappeared behind the racks, looking for some.

Yami pulled Kaiba's hand off of his mouth.

"I was going to say what you did!"

"I honestly doubt that, Your Grace."

Yami leaped.

The Dark Magician was lay on the banister for the stairs, arms crossed, looking over at Yami unbelieving of his statement.

"Where the _hell_ did you come from?" Yami demanded.

"I've been here the whole time." DM said.

"... Potter's talking a bunch of nonsense, Mummy. I assure you. He's just an attention hog."

Kaiba and Yami turned around, seeing a tall, blonde boy, looking uncomfortable in normal clothes, come into the shop.

He looked them over.

"I've never seen you two before." He said.

Yami and Kaiba looked at each other.

"Are you transfers?" The boy asked.

"Yes." They said at the same time.

"Well, then." He smiled coldly and held out a hand, "I'm Malfoy. Draco Malfoy."

"Kaiba. Seto Kaiba."

"Yami."

Draco raised an eyebrow.

"Is that a last name or a first?"

Yami shrugged.

"'S it." He said.

"Okay then."

"You look like a rat." Yami said.

Draco's mouth dropped open, and Kaiba whacked Yami upside the head.

"Ow!" The latter yelled, "What was that for?"

"For you being rude."

"Come on, Kaiba! That's my main joke: Being an asshole!"

"You still deserved it."

"Your mom deserved what I gave to her last night OOOOOH!"

"My mom's dead."

"So is mine!"

Draco stood there awkwardly.

"Well," He said, "I'll just wait over here..."

He walked over to the other side of the room, leaning against the wall.

"See, you scared him off!" Kaiba yelled.

"Me? You're the one who hit me!"

"You were being an asshole!"

"YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE!"

"YOU'RE A BIGGER ASSHOLE!"

"YOU'RE A BIGGERER ASSHOLE!"

"THAT'S NOT EVEN A _WORD_!"

"YEAH, WELL, KAIBA'S NOT EVEN A NAME!"

"WELL, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW YOUR NAME! I BET IT'S SOMETHING STUPID LIKE ATEM!"

"Actually-" The Dark Magician tried to butt in, but they kept arguing.

"YOUR FACE IS SOMETHING STUPID LIKE ATEM!"

"GOD I HATE YOU!"

"I HATE YOU EVEN MORE!"

"I HATE YOU EVEN MORE THAN YOU HATE ME!"

"I HATE YOU EVEN MOREST THEN YOU HATE ME!"

"AGAIN, NOT A WORD!"

"YOU'RE NOT A WORD!"

"THAT DOESN'T EVEN MAKE ANY SENSE!"

They growled at each other, before Madame Malkin came back.

"I found some bla-" She frowned, "Is something wrong?"

"He's just being an ass." Kaiba said, "As usual."

"I'm being an ass?" Yami demanded, "Well, you can just-"

"Alright!"

The Dark Magician pushed himself between the two boys.

"Both of you, stop it now." He said, "You're going to have to deal with each other for 10 months, so quit your whining, and be mature!"

"Alright."

"Geez."

"Stupid talking card."

"He's such an asshole."

"I know right?"

"I can hear you!" The monster said loudly.

"Yeah, okay, Malloney." Yami replied.

"It's Mahad."

"Yeah, whatever."

"Well," Madame Malkin said, "try these on." She handed one to each of them, "I'll fix them up if they're too long or too short."

"Thank you very much." The Dark Magician said. He grabbed each of them by an ear, and could be heard scolding them in a whisper.

Tonks ran after them, bothered by being ignored for most of the chapter.

…

Getting robes wasn't hard, now they needed books.

"The Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5." Kaiba muttered, "Unfogging the Future and Defensive Magical Theory. Got it."

"Of course you do, you fucking nerd." Yami laughed.

"I can like to read all I want." Kaiba replied as they walked into Flourish and Blotts, "I should get some recreational books while we're here..."

"So you two took Divination?" Tonks asked as Kaiba turned down the text book isle and ran his finger along the books, looking for the ones they needed.

"I assume." He said, "We weren't really given a choice."

"Oh. Well, hopefully you'll take Care for Magical Creatures." She grinned, "That's a really awesome class."

Kaiba nodded.

"Sounds interesting."

"Sounds boring." Yami said, "Why can't I just mind crush someone and be done with it?" He asked as Kaiba put _Defensive Magical Theory_ into his arms, "Why do I need to know this?"

"Well, DADA is mandatory." Tonks said, "And I have no idea what you're talking about."

"Oh it's where I do this-" He thrust his hand forward, "-and shatter their mind. It's fun."

"That's awful." Tonks said.

"You're awful."

"I don't mean to freak you out or anything," Said DM, lowering down to talk to Yami, "but that girl over there's looking at you like you're the best ice cream sundae she's ever seen."

Yami looked over, seeing a girl with pale skin, and wavy brown hair. She was staring at Yami, eyes wide, a grin on her face.

You could almost smell the desperation.

"Oh sweet Ra." He whispered, turning away.

"Yeah," Kaiba said, plopping _Unfogging the Future_ into his companion's arms, "it would never work out. Because you're in love with Yugi!"

Yami's face lit up.

"I AM NOT IN LOVE WITH YUGI!" He shouted, causing several people to look over.

"Yeah," Kaiba said, smirking, "okay. I believe that about as much as I believe that Mokuba could run my company."

"Speaking of which," Yami said, "who did you leave in charge."

Kaiba's face fell.

"Oooooh, shit... Well, they'll be fine. I bet leaving won't come back to bite me."

Yami shrugged.

"Probably not."

Kaiba dropped _Standard Book of Spells, Grade 5_ into Yami's arms, and picked up his pile.

"Le's go." He said, walking off towards the counter.

Yami followed, sighing.

…

Getting potion ingredients was pretty uneventful, but now they had to get a wand.

Ra help them.

…

**Ayy**

**I updated!**

**Just as a little self-promotion, I'm doing a Raise Your Glass MEP, so if you, like, edit or something, you can choose a part here:**

watch?v=CQQBWPvLsbw&list=UUwfgaDv0LaIs2POqV3pGfdg

**(Just remove the spaces)**

**K thanks love y'all BAI**


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